The Pain the Past Can Bring
by ArchAng3l
Summary: Late at night, ending her shift, Tali expected to get to her bunk without interruption, at most giving any Cerberus personnel the cold shoulder. She was NOT expecting to see Shepard up and alone. And being asked to perform an incredibly painful favor.


A very low hum and soft music played were the only noise in the quiet elevator. Tali waited patiently as the elevator moved up from engineering to the Crew Deck of the Normandy SR2.

It was late. Most of the crew had retired. A few were still working; there was a night shift after all. But they were scarce, for which Tali was grateful. She still wasn't comfortable with working with a Cerberus crew. But who could blame her, she had only been on the ship a few days.

_'Yeah, right. You mean it's only been a few days since Shepard saved you. Like he always is. Back on the Citadel when he was hunting Saren, on Therum where he pushed you out of the way from the blast from the Armature. Or on Virmire where those krogan had you pinned down. Face it Tali, you are always being rescued by him.' _She thought.

But that's why she was doing this. He had done so much for her, and she wanted to return the favor.

_'Again, wrong. You are doing this for completely selfish reasons. You just wanted an excuse to see him again.'_

Tali sighed. She had long ago realized her feelings for the Commander. It was not when she met him, or during the fight against Saren. No, she had realized her love after his death. After how hard it had hit her, after she thought about how badly she missed him. But then he came back. The thought of it actually made her laugh now. _'Only Shepard could be killed, then decide he wanted to live instead.'_

The elevator stopped, and she stepped off. On the first Normandy she spent many nights on the Engineering deck, but now that the ship was Cerberus and Engineering was shared by a crazy biotic criminal, a dangerous mercenary, and a krogan, Tali no longer felt…secure…with sleeping down there.

_'I remember after I told Shepard that I had trouble sleeping he would come down almost every night after to check if I was still-'_

Her thoughts were interrupted with a quick intake of breathe as she saw a sole occupant at the table on the Crew Deck. Worse, it wasn't even some Cerberus member she could ignore or glare at till they felt uncomfortable and left. No, this was the very man she had just been thinking about.

Shepard was sitting alone at the table. His wild, spiky blonde hair (something she had found intriguing when she had first met him. Neither the color or style had been used by quarians.) shielded his eyes from her, as his face looked downward. He was, she assumed, staring at the datapad on the table in front of him. The heart-warming smile always present that she adored seeing was absent, in its place a neutral line. Not exactly an upset expression, but still, Tali decided that she didn't like it. Not on _his _face anyway. His face had to be happy. Filled with life, excitement, and thrill. Not…this.

He was obviously in a private moment, and not wanting to disturb him, Tali took a very slow, light step backwards. Kasumi, the cheerful thief she had taken a strong liking too would let her sleep on her couch. Or at least wait out Shepard's stay on the Crew Deck. But the second her foot touched the ground, not even the whole thing and making no noise she could hear, Shepard's face snapped up. His eyes met hers, and for the briefest second, she saw it.

She had seen it before, a few times on the hunt for Saren. And it was only for the briefest of moments. But she knew it was something. Garrus and Wrex had seen it too, on separate occasions. It was something in his eyes, which were usually a gorgeous blue that while held some sorrow, were filled with mischief, laughter, and good spirit. Tali often found herself getting lost in them while she would tell him stories about the Flotilla. But not these eyes. These were a thankfully rare sight, but again, she had seen them before. They were cold, angry eyes. She couldn't call them dead, they were very much alive, but not in their usual sense. They were analyzing, calculating eyes. Eyes of an apex predator, a hunter who had killed, tasted blood, seen death, and would go looking for more of it. As they looked upon her now, they were scanning, looking for weapons, analyzing her frame, determining if she was a threat. They were the eyes of the soldier who had been captured and tortured by batarians. The eyes of the soldier who held of the Skyllian Blitz. The eyes of a killer.

But in less than a second, they were gone, replaced by the usual, happy eyes she loved looking into. She saw his muscles relax, and a small smile graze his features.

"Oh Tali. You startled me. I didn't know you were still up." He said.

Tali sputtered as she tried to remember what she had been doing. "O-oh yes. I had just been heading to my bunk when I saw you sitting there."

Shepard took a deep breathe, looking back at the datapad. He turned back to her and offered a tired smile. "Yeah, been sitting here for a while now. Just…thinking." His features seemed tired, defeated by some interior force. Tali decided quickly she didn't like it.

"Oh. Well then, what was that human expression you said to me once? Nickel for your thoughts?" She asked.

Shepard's chuckled, his defeated look replaced by one of shared humor with a good friend. "Penny for your thoughts. But you were close. There is another expression that involves nickels instead."

Tali crossed her arms. "Well I can't be expected to remember ALL of your funny human expressions. Your species has so many, and most are very confusing."

This time Shepard barked a louder laugh. "Yeah, I remember the first time I used that one, you thought I actually wanted to pay you for telling me what you were thinking about. Then you freaked out, saying that no payment was required or something."

Tali huffed. "Fine, you bosh'tet." She teased. "I was only curious. I could be in bed right now you know." _'Ok Keelah, what was that! Now he'll think I'm rude!'_

Shepard reached out as if to stop her. "You are right. I'm sorry. You should know by now I tease." He said, still smiling.

Tali gave a small laugh. "I know. Keelah, how did I survive you and Garrus every day for all that time?"

Shepard gave a true laugh, his smile reaching across his face. This was how Tali like seeing him. "It is quite the miracle. I'm quite surprised myself."

Tali sat down across from him. She didn't want to intrude on his business, but now he seemed a bit better. Maybe, talking would help him. "Shepard, are you okay? You looked, what was that other funny expression? Spaced out? Like something was bothering you. Of course it isn't my business, I mean, I you don't want to tell me that is fine I just-"

He held up a hand, interrupting her. He gave her a smile, and said, "It's fine Tali. You are right, I was kinda spacey before. I got a message from Admiral Hackett."

Tali's stiffened a bit. "Are you in trouble? Are they ordering you in? I thought you cleared this all up with the Council and they gave you your Spectre status back?"

"No, not in any trouble. Anderson and Hackett are both happy I'm back. I actually got this a couple weeks ago, about the time I met with the Council. All he did was ask me a favor, but it's just been bothering me. I guess you could say I've been avoiding it."

Tali quirked his head in confusement. Shepard did not avoid things, be it trouble or work. He did his job, and did right by his crew. This didn't make sense.

"What would make you do that? Usually you get things done, out of the way," she asked.

"They asked me to confirm the deaths of a bunch of Alliance personnel. And to create a memorial site."

This only confused Tali more. This was not the usual task given to Shepard. Hackett had asked many missions done while they were all after Saren. Not that Shepard wouldn't do it, but why him?

Shepard seemed to see her confusion and clarified with three simple words. "It's on Alchera."

Tali's blood ran cold. That was a planet she was more than ready to forget. That all of the original Normandy crew would rather forget. It would forever be known as the death place of Commander John Shepard. At least, it had been for two years, But even after all that time, it was still someplace she never wanted to go again. Not that they ever touched down planet side, but just being in the system would give her a horrible feeling of sickness and dread. As if the whole attack would reenact the second they arrived. At she had made it to the escape pod unharmed! She couldn't imagine how Joker or Shepard would be feeling about this.

Without thinking, she reached her hand across the table and held Shepard's. He looked up at her. "I… I'm not sure how to ask this…"

"Anything Shepard. If it makes it better."

"I…I want you and Garrus to come with me. You were part of the original team, and…I think you should be there." He asked slowly.

Tali's eyes widened behind the visor. _'He is the one that died and he is asking ME if I'm okay with going down there with him?'_ "Keelah, Shepard. I'm not the one that…that… left that day. I made it. And you are asking me if I'll help you? Of course I will."

Shepard snorted. "Tali, you can say it. I died. It's what happened. You can't change that." He stopped to think. "Well…maybe Cerberus can, but YOU can't. But…thanks. I really appreciate this."

_'Anything for you.' _You know me Shepard. If you need me, I'll be there for you."

He chuckled. "You know that's exactly what Garrus said." He smiled at her.

Tali smiled back, and felt his hand move slightly under hers. Heat rushed to her cheeks as she suddenly felt very conscience about the fact she was still holding his hand. She jerked her hand back, nervously wringing them together.

Shepard quirked an eyebrow and gave a one-sided jackass smirk that she was also very familiar with. Damn him and his effect on her.

Shepard rose from his seat. "Thanks Tali, I appreciate you talking with me. It helped, seriously. But I won't keep you from your sleep. I had enough trouble getting to sleep on the first Normandy." He teased.

Tali also stood. "You aren't going to ever let that go are you?" She laughed. "But seriously, anytime Shepard."

She watched as he headed to the elevator until he rounded the corner. If she had a true say in the matter, she'd have told Shepard to forget about Alchera. Let someone else handle it. But he was going, and that meant she was too. As long as he needed her, she'd be there. She wasn't going to lose him again. But that wouldn't make stepping foot on Alchera any easier.

**This was something I came up with a while ago but recently thought of. This was originally gonna be part of a planned Mass Effect story spanning the whole trilogy. I still might do it, but I'm not sure. This is going to be a one, maybe two shot. If it does get a second chapter, it'll be (no shock) the landing on Alchera. I was really disappointed in ME 2 that you couldn't bring squad mates to the crash site, and that they wouldn't have any comment especially Garrus and Tali. So here is how I think it would be like for them. And just for clarification, I use standard Shepard while playing the game, but one of my friends is a sick artist when it comes to drawing anime characters. She once drew a concept art for Shepard after we were talking about the planned epic trilogy I might do, and I LOVED the drawing. In it, like mentioned above, Shepard has spiky, wild blonde hair, and she intencified his eyes a bit. Anyway, here you guys go. Review, and thanks for reading.**


End file.
